I turned 49 years old last week. For someone who has this many years on the planet, you'd think I'd be used to the idea of betrayal by now. It happens. We all know it happens. We see it happen on a huge level all the time. In family systems and governments. Our politicians say one thing then turn around and do the opposite. We see the patterns throughout our own society and others.
And yet, when it happens on a personal or business level, it is shocking and unexpected to me every time.
Don't call me naive. Don't call me an idiot.
Instead, perhaps, call me an empath.
We empaths are a strange bunch. Sometimes prickly on the outside, because underneath, we cannot help BUT feel all of life's feelings, including other people's, on the inside. We care deeply about every person we encounter whether we show it or not. We tune into people's deepest wounds and because we actually feel them in a visceral way, it makes business like detachment next to impossible.
We are good at what we do as artists, therapists, actors, writers, teachers, coaches. We practice having boundaries though it is never really comfortable. We experience others in unity/oneness as our own selves. Developing compassion is much more challenging for ourselves than others who we easily and often uncontrollable access it for.
We are the people who fall in love with people's potential. And while the co-dependencey experts might say this is a dumb thing to do, it does not come from a dumb place. Rather, it comes from a place of genuinely feeling the very best in everybody. Seeing their potential means believing that they will develop strongly and beautifully and make choices to embody their best selves.
Um...not so much. Or at least, not so much every time. When it happens, celebrate it. But do not expect it. This has been my learning, but being wired in a certain way, I have had to learn it over and over again.
When I was in first grade, I came home crying. When my grandmother asked me about it, through sobs I said "The teacher yelled". Surprised, she questioned "The teacher yelled at you?" "No" I replied. "She yelled at my friend"
So that's my starting place.
And in my internal life, the life that allows me to hold deep and sacred space for my clients, the space that "leans in" to every connection, that truly loves listening to stories and is able to offer safe and supportive suggestions and feedback. That inner reality believes and knows the good in everyone. It totally affirms their wholeness which is much, much bigger and deeper than any of experience of trauma. Deeper than any wound.
My inner empath is not only connected to my spiritual attunement of Oneness consciousness, she is one and the same.
But what I have had to learn is that it is not enough for me to know their wholeness. Even if they are leaning into an aspect of their wholeness as they are exploring this work, it is not always enough. If deep down, they are still most attached to their "wound story" they will act out on others in a way that can be experienced as betrayal.
Case in point. I worked with a man from Boulder, Colorado for over three years. First, he wanted to write the story of his father's suicide and his reaction to this event in a one man show. We did this work together and I produced his show at the first Santa Fe Solo Performance festival. As I am with all my solo show clients, I was a little bit therapist, coach and dramaturge all rolled into one. I also was the director.
The lens through which I saw him was as my star student in many ways and I viewed ours as not only a friendship, but a mutually beneficial long term relationship that was based on the desire for healing and stories.
He came back to Santa Fe to begin working with me to do the StoryHealing work in his community. I was completely supportive and agreed to be on his Board of Directors and even allowed him to use my company name StoryHealers in Boulder despite the fact that he had not completed the work that would allow him to offer these workshops withe expertise and integrity.
After all, I knew him. Knew his pain. Knew his goodness of heart. How could anything go awry?
I had helped him write this show about his Dad's suicide and his daughter's birth. As a line in his show went "My people" as he thumped on his chest. We were bound by an openly acknowledged soul connection.
Through a series of events, he connected with a well known singer/songwriter who was open to working with us him to incorporate these songs into the show. I was open and invited them all down to my studio in Santa Fe to work. Then, I went up to Denver on my own dime and directed the show. We went on to take the show to Stage Left in NYC where I went and spent ten days, taking a great deal of time away from my own family and business with the understanding that we were going to take this show as far as we could go.
The fact that at this point, he continued to avoid a sit down in conversation with me as well as signing an official contract for what was now emerging as a substantial project between us worried me, but I continued to trust our deeper connection.
Through a series of events that included his wife getting involved in his new "business" and the promotion of the show, after an investment on my side that included a great deal of time, money and emotional connection, he cut me out of the project completely. And he did it without even a conversation. No sit down talk going over what had already gone well and what could go better, despite my attempts for this to happen. He took my name off his posters as the director, re-writing history. The manager of the singer became his "director" in the new press. And in press and stories, my name is never mentioned.
The lens through which I saw him was as my star student in many ways and I viewed ours as not only a friendship, but a mutually beneficial long term relationship that was based on the desire for healing and stories.
He came back to Santa Fe to begin working with me to do the StoryHealing work in his community. I was completely supportive and agreed to be on his Board of Directors and even allowed him to use my company name StoryHealers in Boulder despite the fact that he had not completed the work that would allow him to offer these workshops withe expertise and integrity.
After all, I knew him. Knew his pain. Knew his goodness of heart. How could anything go awry?
I had helped him write this show about his Dad's suicide and his daughter's birth. As a line in his show went "My people" as he thumped on his chest. We were bound by an openly acknowledged soul connection.
Through a series of events, he connected with a well known singer/songwriter who was open to working with us him to incorporate these songs into the show. I was open and invited them all down to my studio in Santa Fe to work. Then, I went up to Denver on my own dime and directed the show. We went on to take the show to Stage Left in NYC where I went and spent ten days, taking a great deal of time away from my own family and business with the understanding that we were going to take this show as far as we could go.
The fact that at this point, he continued to avoid a sit down in conversation with me as well as signing an official contract for what was now emerging as a substantial project between us worried me, but I continued to trust our deeper connection.
Through a series of events that included his wife getting involved in his new "business" and the promotion of the show, after an investment on my side that included a great deal of time, money and emotional connection, he cut me out of the project completely. And he did it without even a conversation. No sit down talk going over what had already gone well and what could go better, despite my attempts for this to happen. He took my name off his posters as the director, re-writing history. The manager of the singer became his "director" in the new press. And in press and stories, my name is never mentioned.
I fall in love a little bit with every client I have. I want them to succeed with all my heart. I offer everything I have to offer be it advice on what theaters to perform their show in to ways to look for funding, to giving everything I can to their script. This is the second time in my career something like this has happened. And the first time, it took me years to get over as it was with an actual business partner.
In both cases, people who I considered near and dear to me cut me out coldly before my heart even had the chance to miss a beat.
In some ways, I understand this as an occupational hazard when it comes to dealing with stories and people's wounds. It's a case of getting so close to the fire, you end up being the one who gets burned. And, I want to add that many times, many more times it does not happen like this. I've had many, many more positive experiences where the shows really do transform people and their hearts.
In this case,I got to be the negative projection even though at the end of the day, in my own Soul, I know I was his greatest ally. I also know the project will always be tainted behind the scenes because of the ugly energy. People can cut you out on the surface, but the Universe always holds us all accountable and unkind intentions always seep through the cracks.
For me, my lessons continue to be to get more support around the left brain issues that challenge me. Currently, I have begun to work with my own Board of Directors to help me get all my ducks in a row. Contracts are always signed at the beginning, not middle or end of a project or it does not happen.
I still may experience the world as an empath with compassion, but I strive to also hold the reality that not everyone cares so much. And it is not because they personally do not care about me. It is simply where their own would is holding them hostage.
Lastly, this is not a victim story. I am sad about this incident, but I am resilient. Moving forward with numerous projects, trainings and clients. And the possibility coming together for a show I will produce in NYC in 2014. Loving connections and more to come.
I have heard the expression that we can only truly betray ourselves. I pondered this for a while, but I do not always agree. Though, elements of denial or minimizing our red flags feelings can be an issue.
At the same time, an open heart is not a pathology. I can experience betrayal from the outside as many times as I need to, to learn about my human boundaries as the Universe sees fit.
But I refuse to close down my love and compassion, my curiosity and care for people. And I am grateful for so many blessings in my life~
I'd love to hear your thoughts on empathy and betrayal in your creative world.
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