Queer Voice Monologue

From a Queer Voices Monologue Show I facilitated in Santa Fe some years back with the college of Santa Fe. GLBY students each wrote and performed a 10 minute piece over the course of a week-end.

Spalding Gray video

Here is a scene from Spalding Gray's seminal work, Swimming to Cambodia. I met Spalding a few years before he did this show at the Wooster Theater Group.

I saw an earlier  show at the Brattle Street Theater in Cambridge, Ma. in 1984. It changed my life. About twenty of us sat in the audience. He came onstage in his usual way. His voice and style was already established.

He spoke openly about his mother's suicide and masturbating at Walden Pond to feel closer to the Spirit of Thoureau. I was hooked. From that night on, I knew that solo performance/contemporary storytelling was my path. Who knew how far it would lead me.

I love you Spalding. You were my first and the best of the best. Your generosity onstage set the bar.

Creative Empowerment: The Right and Need to Create Your Own Work

I am sitting here in a cafe in my hometown of Santa Fe...pondering.

What do we crave? What do our Souls need? What is the highest path as an artist?

The answers are different for all of us. But, I do see certain patterns in common...either for better or worse no matter what the medium.

My medium is solo performance. It began almost 30 years ago when I met Spalding Gray and saw him perform an original show.

At the time I was studying acting and didn't realize it consciously, but I was already feeling confined.

I had performed in classical plays for years by then. I began as a young teen. Shakespeare, Molier, Albee, Pinter, the Greeks were already in my repertoire. I loved the experience of pouring my own emotional experience into a character. It was amazing. But the stories I was telling were not my stories.

I could relate to some. Many..not so much. Including the pinnacle. When I was twenty seven years old, I was in the Pulitzer Prize winning play "The Kentucky Cycle". It was a well done production, but less than satisfying. I has the realization "If this is the BEST, contemporary American theater can offer me and I am still not getting the experience I was desiring, I need to create my own work.

So, I did. I took the leap. The terrifying, exciting and HUGE leap into the world of creating my own work and helping others create their own work. It was raw, it was hilarious, it was heartbreaking, it was true, it was hard.

And I was hooked.

That was twenty some years ago.

What has my life been since?

It has been authentic. It has been hard. It has been joyful.

Mostly, it has been ALIVE. Vitally and unapologetically alive.

My medium is solo performance. Some will call it indulgent. Some will call it narcissistic. Sometimes it is. But not the way I strive to work with it.

I call it generous. I call it intimate. And I call it fulfillment in the way that conventional theater never could be.

My favorite musicians are always also composers. I'd take a rendition of one of Sam Llana's songs, straight from his own Soul and life over a polished Broadway voice or pop icon calling it in any
day.


My own guide has been "do the most intimate work in alignment with your own soul as possible"And, you will find your true audience. The one who resonates with you.

Be bold. Risk failing. Be true. Be who you are. Put it on a stage and let yourself shine.

"The Artist is Present",Your Presence is Everything

Last week-end I went to see a documentary film on performance artist Marina Ambromovic's installation at the Museum of Modern Art in NYC.

The installation was called "The Artist is Present" and in it, she sat across a table making silent eye contact with whomever wanted to show up and sit with her during the hours that the museum was open for 3 months.

So, she showed up and was present to whomever and whatever came in front of her. She became a mirror for the Soul. It was simple, brilliant and courageous work. In a culture that tells us in every way possible that our worth is based on doing, it was an ultimate act of trusting the being-ness of who I am and who you are and whom all of us are. Knowing that is not only enough, but based on the huge turn-out for her show, that it is craved.

It reminded me of time I spent in India, at the guru's feet. Same desire. To see and be deeply seen. To be One with another.

It is the best possibility between lovers. If both people are willing to show up and deeply connect through the Soul, a connection can be made that transcends the body.

Same when breastfeeding an infant and gazing deeply into their eyes as they gaze into yours. These moments have been the most joyful and sublime of my life and I know of others.

My mantra to my students is "Your Presence is Enough, in fact, it is Everything"

The best solo shows are the ones where there is a willingness to be deeply embodied in one's own presence. In a way, the story, no matter how compelling the story, is secondary to the presence of the performer.

Your presence, your ability to set aside your ego  and connect with your audience is the offering. It is the gift. It involves doing less and being more.

It is achieved through a deep trust in oneself and a deep trust in life. That is where the real work often lies.

Weaving the depth of your presence with a compelling, dramatic, funny, imaginative, authentic and/or creative story is the heart of your work as a solo artist. It is a journey and a ride, if taken on earnestly, that will take you to every nook and crevice within your own Soul. In your quest, you have offered something true to an audience.

Thank you Marina Abromovic. And Spalding Gray. Thank you John Leguizamo. Thank you Ann Randolph. Thank you Doug Vincent. Thank you to the artists, mothers, deep listeners, dancers, lovers, meditators who are really showing up..on stages and in anonymity.

Thank you for every moment of true presence you offer this wounded world. It alone is the healing. For me, it alone is the art.

My Next Show: " A Woman of Pleasure"

God, this has been a long time coming.

This has been with me through the last 9 years as I watched my life fall apart, built it back up, and watched it fall apart again.

It takes a lot to do a solo show. A hell of a lot. It takes courage. Confidence. Humility. And Help. Lot's of help. From forces both seen and unseen.

I help people write and perform their solo shows. I help people heal by writing and performing monologues about pain and trauma and illness. I am good at it. Because I have been there. And back. Several times in this lifetime. And, I do not look away from it. Any of it. I examine life. Mistakes. Loss. Grief. Trauma.

And now, at last...PLEASURE.

It took a lot of work behind the scenes to move my focus from trauma, suffering, and pain to pleasure.
I deserve this show. I deserve this life. So do you. We all do. But it takes a lot to move in this direction with assurance in this world.

This is a show that has always lived inside of me. I am a sensual being. I have a body as well as a soul. Living in it. Feeling it. Inhabiting it is a tremendous gift.

For years I couldn't claim it. For years I was dissociated from it. No more.

This summer I am 48 years old. And my daughter is turning 15. I have lived through other people's mental illness, through death of loved ones, divorce and my own "fixing nature" that just wanted to love everybody enough to make the world ok.

Enough.

Life is short. Life is precious. Feeling our aliveness is where it's AT.

The next show is about pleasure. A last taboo. Is it really ok for us as woman to be in our bodies in a relaxed and easy way on this planet. To love our sexuality openly and fully. To let go of labels of ourselves and others.

To speak the unspeakable about what we like, what we desire, what we crave and HAVE IT, without apology.

I love Sex and I love God. In this crazy world that would separate the two, it it my intention to bring them back together, in my own body. In my own heart. In this precious, precious lifetime. I am fully human and fully Soul and I will not sacrifice one expression for the other.

20 some years ago, Eve Ensler spoke the unspeakable by asking woman about their vaginas. It was timely and important. It was also very focused on trauma, oppression and pain. That's a song and dance that many of us intimately know.

But there is something greater. Much greater. Moving past the trauma, moving into the full Venus power of our gorgeous and powerful beings. Truly loving ourselves. Each other and loving men, we hold the heart of pleasure in our very hands.

We are much, much greater than the old paradigm abuse/darkness would have us know.

Those stories have come and gone. And we still stand here in our wholeness and beauty.

This is the next wave on the planet and I am grateful to know that I am a part of bringing through this message. Through my own journey of being a woman. Through my stories.

This is my offering now. I am glad I waited 8 years and excited to bring you my new show. This October...

A Woman of Pleasure: A Monologue of Sex and God.

In Santa Fe...with love, Tanya

StoryHealing: Solo Performance as a Therapeutic Tool

From my upcoming book "StoryHealers" which is about utilizing solo performance as an instrument for emotional/ spiritual healing of trauma, life threatening illness and transitions.

I had written and performed three solo shows when I decided to offer  a workshop for woman who wanted to write and perform 10 minute mini-solo shows. From there I began to develop curriculum to offer to people living with cancer, both patients, and their family members. After the Cancer Monologues I realized that this process was actually Universal. Every person has a story. No one escapes the experience of humanity which brings with it pain, loss, grief as well as opportunities to meet the challenges and overcome the obstacles. In this human movement of being presented with a challenge and meeting it fully, we come to be more and more comfortable with the process of living. We learn to embrace the present moment more fully, slow down and savor the moments of our life and trust that all will be well, no matter what obstacle we are facing either internally or externally. We come to know that there is something bigger than any challenge we are faced with. That is the human spirit. We move from the human obstacle into an awareness of the larger playground of Soul. When we claim the gifts held in the realm of Soul we are able to re-frame our experience as a necessary movement away from the temporal to the unmoving, unchanging domain of the eternal. Our stories have deep meaning as we examine them and share them through this lens. This is where we are able to see ourselves and the pain and gifts from our lives as compost to claim ourselves as Hero’s headed home “trailing clouds of glory from which we came”. The process, as a Universal one has been used effectively with people living with cancer, Hospice caregivers, The HIV and AIDS community, veterans suffering from PTSD, Palestinian and Israel communities of teen-agers who live in fear and have experienced varying degrees of trauma, people experiencing divorce, new mothers sharing their birth stories, mothers who experienced the death of a child, people who have been adopted, members of the National Alliance of Mental Illness…both those suffering mental illness and family members, sexual abuse survivors. The only necessary component  for the process to work is for the participants stay through the entire experience and work with-in the structure. There are important reasons for the structure and the way it is laid out from start to finish. There are tools for the facilitators to utilize for participants experiencing resistance. We will get into these later because resistance will arise for some people as they write about their often painful or traumatic experiences. It is actually very important that they be led through the entire process  with the necessary facilitator support once it is embarked upon. Otherwise, it has the potential to do harm which must be avoided at all cost. If the deeper issues get activated in the writing without the experience of re-framing that happens when one shares the monologue onstage, it can be psychologically damaging. The facilitator needs to have strong boundaries and inner strength to guide people through even when their resistance or even anger arises and gets projected onto the facilitator.

A Solo Show as the Foundation of Your Career

It was long ago now, but I remember feeling powerless and helpless in my career. In the late eighties and early nineties, I was living in NYC doing the usual rounds that a theater major does when they are set forth into the world armed only with Stanislavsky method and big creative dreams.

I bought books at the Drama Bookstore, got head-shots and an agent and went on cattle calls and auditions.  I had jobs in retail and was a bartender and waitress. Instead of feeling more and more creative and having more and more opportunities open for me, I became more and more disillusioned, depressed and plain sad.

Was my family right? Should I give up on my dreams? Should I go to law school?

Instead of feeling embraced in a warm creative environment, I began to live the cliche of a struggling "actor"

After a terrible few years in my life, I moved to New Mexico at the age of 26. I got an agent in Albuquerque. It was the same story played out on a smaller scale. I could not stand the idiotic commercials I was reading for. I was cast in some plays in Santa Fe and while I was grateful to be doing them, I was making no money and was un-inspired by most of the roles that seemed irrelevant to my life.

And then, finally, I was up for a lead role in an original play that I loved. Written by a woman from Taos and directed by a fellow actor and friend of mine, I was stoked for the role. It was something that I could sink my teeth into. I went to two callbacks and it came down to one other woman and me. Franky, I thought that I ran circles around her in the auditions and that I was  a shoe in. And then I got the call. I didn't get the part.

This is a common experience for an actor. Something many of us go through over and over. The "Waiting Game" Waiting to be cast. Waiting to get "the call". Dealing with rejection over and over. Knowing that we are creative and brilliant and waiting to offer the world our gifts.

Something broke in me when that happened. I was 29 years old and my former husband said to me "Tanya, when are you going to write and perform your own show?"

The question hung in the air. Throughout this time I had been writing daily. Finding my voice I guess. And speaking about how, since i was nineteen years old and had seen my first one person show, this had been my dream.

Once I did my solo show, I never again felt disempowered in terms of theater or career. In the eighteen years since that decision and action, I have performed, written, directed and produced too many shows to count (well over one hundred) This form gave me my career.

I've seen the same thing happening with so many of my students. I work with many people who have transitioned from out of work actors to working actors by doing their solo shows. Some, like me, have also become creativity coaches, teachers etc.

A huge energy shift happens when one does their solo show. One takes up so much creative space that opportunity has the chance to find us. We are no longer playing the "Waiting Game" We are taking positive action, taking charge of our creative lives and producing our creative in the world. This month alone, I have clients taking their shows to theater and festivals in NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, San Diego, Toronto, Vancouver and Philadelphia.

One is starting his own StoryHealers business, like my own, in Boulder. Another client who performed her show with me last year is now premiering a corporate show as an integral part of her business.

Two woman I've worked with, one in Santa Fe and one in Boston,are presenting their spiritual shows to audiences in new thought churches/spiritual communities across the globe.

Their are so many ways to take our creative power back. A solo show is one amazing place to begin. And just doing this level of courageous and powerful work opens many, many doors that cannot be seen until after one jumps in and takes the plunge.

Just jump. The net will appear!